Two equal halves of Denilson!

When I write a blog about positives, I really mean it. I want every Gooner to be really positive. It’d be really great if they can change their blood-group from whatever-it-is to B-positive. Yes, that is the amount of respect and commitment I want from my fellow Gooners despite the unethical and improbable nature of the above operation.

Since the transfer window has been shut right on the face of Arsene Wenger, he can’t buy a player now. Rumours did suggest that he tried a last minute scoop of Ronaldinho from Milan for 30 Million and Kaka from Madrid for 45 Million and in return he had agreed to cut Denilson into two equal halves and send him to the respective clubs on loan till the season end with an extended option to feed his parents in Lesser Brazil. But, rumours are rumours and they don’t have a backbone, as you know.

We need to correct the situation inside the club by finding a solution before we face Liverpool in less than two days. This is how I’d correct it:

1. Start Nicolas Bendtner even if he decides to donate one of his kidneys to Aboriginal tribes in the early hours of Wednesday.
2. Start Tomas Rosicky and bring Theo as a 60 minute super-sub to Rosicky if required.
3. Let Cesc, Diaby and Song continue like they did against Chel$ki.
4. Ask Gael Clichy to stand like a statue on the far post during a corner. Also, advice him to close on his man when he is attacking him. Also, ask him to stay with the man when the man is charging down into the box. Also, ask him to not over-commit. Also….ok…you know what…just buy him the ‘101 easy ways to becomes a decent left back by Nigel Winterburn’ signed by Cashley Cole with a sarcastic smile.
5. FINISH OFF CHANCES like there is no tomorrow or day after tomorrow or apocalypse now, you get the point right? Yeah.

We shall have team news and more tomorrow. Please stop being such an atheist and pray to GOD. We really need to pick up three points against Liverpool and end this horror-4-match-show on a high.

Until then, keep your fingers crossed and sideburns short!

It’s all about being positive now.

In a very confusing press-conference after the match at Stamford-Bridge, here, we are with Arsene Wenger:

Media: Sir, according to you, who scores goals?
Arsene: Players do.
Media: No Sir, to be specific, what kind of players score goals?
Arsene: Attack minded players? Hunh?
Media: Sir, like defenders are supposed to defend, midfielders are supposed to pass the ball and who are supposed to score goals???? * One of the media guy tears off his shirt in frustration and breaks down crying *
Arsene: Cesc Fabregas?? Sorry, I don’t really follow you guys!
* Two media guys passes away and three run away from the room in utter frustration *

It is very simple, we outplayed Chelsea in the middle of the park, we lost the match because we didn’t have anybody to finish off the match. We can’t really blame Arshavin, he is not a STRIKER. He is a little taller than a conventional midget. We brought Bendtner in the second half, though he didn’t change the match on its head, he did make Terry and Carvalho stand on their toes a few times. We are poor at defending, which is very clear and straight-forward, so I am not going to talk about our ridiculous man-marking, if we concede two, we need to score three to win a match. It is that simple. Well, we have a summer transfer window coming and we need to spend quite heavily bringing two top-class players, one, a solid striker and one, a massive midfielder as Cesc’s replacement.

And one more thing, we should take the Liverpool match seriously, we really need to finish in the top four this season, to retain top players like Ramsey and Wilshere.

If you are not positive in life, you never believed in dinosaurs and that is sad. So, be positive.

Have a good day folks!

~S~

The arduous task of rising again…

The arduous task of rising again…

The phoenix is a mythological creature we are so fascinated with. We always want to ‘rise from the ashes’ like the young phoenix does after its mother burns itself and its nest into smithereens. So, we have to repeat that same procedure of ‘rising from the ashes’ like we did after losing to Chelsea three months back. Irony has it, we are supposed to do that against Chelsea, and now, at their backyard, at the ‘Fortress of Stamford Bridge’. Impossible? No. Difficult? Yes.

I’ll love to have St. Nicko back on the top of our 4-3-2-1 formation who’ll win many more headers and trouble the defence much more than say a Dudu or Arshavin would do. Even a half-fit St. Nicko is way more handy than the others mentioned above. I think if Diaby is unfit (he picks himself automatically if he is fit, anyways), we can go for Ramsey instead of Denilson (I guess the manager won’t be risking that though) and give the brazilian some rest and thinking time as to how he should improve himself. We don’t have a better choice than Clichy on the left side, so we’ll have continue with him. We can have Arshavin and Tomas on either side of St.Nicko while Nasri and Song accompany our skipper/fulcrum/play-maker/life/heart-beat/kidney/…. (you get the point!) Cesc in the midfield.

I know we’ll go into this game as overwhelming underdogs, but I think that is better than going as favorites and coming out as losers. We need to give a contrasting performance to what we gave at The Emirates a week back and ensure we work our butts out to block smooth Chelsea movement. Mind you, they weren’t that great against Hull City. If Hull can get one point, we can get three. Logic. Hull is shit they get one. We are awesome, we can get three.

We have two more days to watch old videos of Arsenal in this season where they have demolished teams (Like the Everton match or the Blackburn match) quite easily. Apart from that, we need some pep-talks from our manager and probably Cesc (please not from Manuel! He has to pick himself up before he wants the team to pick itself up) which will keep the blood at boiling temperature and our players will all look red and mighty angry when they enter the field alongside that Casanova John Terry’s men.

Till then, quit eating humble pie and start eating apple pie!

Come. On. You. Gunners.

Brain Damage of The Inside Solution

To win a football match, you can apply one of the following policies:

1. You score a lot of goals.
2. You defend really well and try maintaining a clean sheet.
3. You follow 1 and 2 throughout the match.

On a fine evening at North London, an Arsenal team bubbling with a lot of confidence for-God-knows-what-reasons took on the defending champion Manchester United. As per mentioned above, to win this crucial ‘title-deciding’ encounter, Arsenal had to follow one of the above mentioned three policies. They didn’t follow any. What was the end result? Of course, they lost, you buffoon.

If you ask one Arsene Wenger,

“Sir, don’t you think you should buy a striker who can score goals?”, to this he shall reply…

”What? You kiddin’ me? We have scored 87 goals in the first 20 matches of the season with every player including our goal-keeper scoring at least two double-hattricks. Do you know what that means?”

“No, sire”.

“That means we can score 120 goals in the remaining 18 matches with every player including that white-haired Ben Affleck-look alike scoring at least three hattricks each”

“Sir, I think that doesn’t make any sense”..

“What? Then get the hell outta here….You jug-headed tripalostrite!”

There. Arsene has gone nuts. His adamant attitude towards ‘finding a solution inside’ is going to cost us our season. Godammit, if there is no solution inside, why the fuck can’t we find a solution outside? We just need one solid Centre Back who can fuckin’ defend like say, my dad (who is a retired football player) and one solid Centre Forward who can fuckin’ score like say, Ruud Van Nistelroy. If we can buy those kinda players, it’ll cost us not more than 12 Million fuckin’ pounds. Please forgive me for abusing the Pounds. Yeah, the transfer window got closed and we are still in that situation which we were maybe four years back, where we just could’t win crucial encounters and thereby losing the chance to lift one freakin’ silverware YET AGAIN. Look at Manchester United on the other hand. They play their full-strength side against Man Shitty, win that match, qualify for a silverware and then come to our home and beat the crap out of us playing a full-strength squad again. So, what excuses do we have?

Is it so difficult for Arsene to understand that Dudu is still not ‘psychologically 100% fit’, that Arshavin is not a striker (the poor thing is just into his first full English season and there is tremendous pressure on him to perform), that St. Niko has come back after a three months layoff and he is no Thierry Henry who can start firing straight-away and finally that Carlos Vela and Theo ‘Blind-Alley’ Walcott are NOT STRIKERS!

Anyways, we should celebrate the signing of Mr. Potential on loan from Utopia Football Club. He is a terrific talent and with lot of potential. He will guarantee us a silverware in exactly 8 years from now when the world will be ruled by Robots and Wayne Rooney will succumb to death due to the weight of excessive gold medals hanging from his neck.

God bless you all Gooners, yeah, yeah, let us be positive, we are going to thrash Chelsea 6-1 at Stamford Bridge and be right back into the title race. And then maybe, the Eiffel Tower will be exchanged with the Statue of Liberty for inter-continental-political-friendly reasons. You got my point.

I’ll see you later!

Adios. Homos. Carlos!

Jack, Theo, Song, Arsene and wild bisons!

Blink. Brrrr. Bzzzz. Strange things happen to you when you don’t get to see football matches. But that doesn’t stop you from supporting Arsenal through telepathic psychedelic transcordian blazonic belief for your team or something like that. Jeez, where do I get such stuffs from? Never mind.

Arsene Wenger was at the Heathrow welcoming Alex Song with flowers and candies. The guy was really embarrassed. But all that embarrassment crap needs to be dusted aside coz he’ll be an integral part of our super-4-clashes as we go back-to-back with Aston Villa, ManUnited, Liverpool and Chelsea.

Smalling has been taken by The Red Devils. So, Arsene can go to a quiet bar and sulk and pay two Pounds for the most pathetic beer available in the most pathetic bar in North London so that he can save some more money for buying a colony of cows and wild bisons grazing together as a symbol of peace. Smalling was signed at 7 Mil while Arsene was only willing to spend 6.9 Mil. That is so sad.

The Arsenal website talks of Nasri and Bendtner back into full training. Nasri’s coming back so early is quite weird like that of Ramsey against Stoke, but nevertheless, that’s great news for us.

We are going to loan out Jack to some Premiership club that I don’t even bother myself with, the point is, he needs to have a solid second half of the season, playing day in day out so that he can form an integral part of our team in the coming seasons.

Wenger promises us that we are going to see a different Theo Walcott in the coming months. Wait. Is he growing a beard? A Mohawk? A paunch? Disgusting. Is he getting a Union Jack tattoo done on his forehead which will probably be his last ditch of effort to get into the English team without showing any stellar performances? What, godammit??

In that link above, Arsene mentions…
“I believe he has improved a lot but this season he has been unlucky”
Yeah right. Improved what? His sideburns?

More from me later, maybe after 2012, if the World still ‘lives’.

Bo Bo!

~S~

Sol is back? What?

Yess, you read it right!
Sol is back.
He left 3 years back citing some stupid reason like he wants to play ‘Europe’, but no he didn’t leave ‘England’, he just moved to a club which funnily calls itself ‘Pompey’, like some sex-kitten of some maniac pedophile, but that’s not the point, the point is, he went nowhere. Then he left for QPR for a few days, to feel the atmosphere out there. Hehe..funny again.

…and now it seems he’s back.
Daily Mail confirms it.

I became quite emotional with Sol’s signing, please find my tweets below:

I dunno if ths is insane. But, then isn’t this against Wenger’s whole policy thingy? #Resigning_Sol

but then again..he knows our style, he trains wid us, he knows the manager, he is an englishman, he can head, he’s Heskeyish! #Resigning_Sol

oh nd he can replace Gallas when the frenchman is sick. right? nobody got my racist-big-head-weird-look-alike humor? #Resigning_Sol

Ok, that’s about it. If the news get confirmed by the website, we’ll be a really happy bunch of gooners because some really psycho saint once said, “Something is better than nothing”. That saint has to be some great grandfather of Arsene! Nevermind!

UPDATE: Sol named in Reserve Line-up.

Laters!

Who’ll sing the SONG now?

One more day at the office and we see the back of Alex Song, who’ll be packing his baggage for a very lonely trip to Cameroon. I am sure every Gooner (who used to cover up their face in shock-horror every time Song played last season) will miss him like crazy.
We’ll hope Cameroon crashes out as soon as possible from ACN and let Song come back crying like a kid, holding on to his favorite mambo-jambo ice-cream stick. But that day is pretty far away, so we need to think about what happens now.
Considering, Denilson is an obvious replacement for Song, Arsene might not scratch his head near the Transfer Window in the early snowy mornings of North London. But, wait, we have a situation now. Our amazing Brazilian is injured yet again and probably won’t be available for the Bolton game and we very well know how important Song could have been in that game. So, how does Wenger change things in the middle of the field? I think he’ll make Diaby play in the center, give him his favorite XBOX CDs and request him to play the defensive midfield role, with Nasri and Ramsey on either side of the lanky Frenchman. He’ll probably unleash Theo on the right and The Lord on the left, leaving Dudu in that coveted central striking role which he loves so much. Let us hope we take advantage of the ‘Bolton-situation’ and rub ‘em aside. We can actually talk about that game later.

Regarding the FA Cup, we’ll have delayed starts to the games both today and possibly tomorrow due to bad weather and also because the spirit of Michael Jackson is doing the rounds near London singing ‘Heal the world’. Freakin’ disturbing. None of these games bother us though. We play West Ham and I am quite sure that the trip to Upton Park will be a difficult one. Rosicky is back and will probably start with Ramsey in the midfield. Senderos might get a start after 13 years at the bench. Arsene will obviously include some funny names like Fran Merida and Sanchez Watt to give some of our experienced lads some much-needed rest before the crazy late-January-clashes. We’ll talk more about the match and the line-ups tomorrow.

In other extremely exciting news, we have signed a brazilian wonder-kid who is capable of doing wonders and we are assured of grabbing the League and the UEFA CL next year. W.O.W. Ohh, the guy is Gilberto Silva’s grandson, Wellington Silva. Hehe, funny name that!

So, who’s gonna bet on this? Ruud Van Nish..ok..whateva.. will be BACK?

WE shall be back with more stuff, keep the hangover going, it keeps you sane.
And don’t trust your postman, He reads your letters, yeah!

Good day!

Happy new year and all those good good things!

Please please pray to the Almighty (not Dennis Bergkamp) that we win the English Premier League this season.

You guys, booze, eat a lot, talk shite, sing weird songs, throw random things at random people and be good to demented camels.
Happppppppppppppppy new year folks!

Go Gunners, 2010 is HERE!

Handling the blues

It’s been quite a LONG time since I last typed something in this space. All credit to Sounak for posting some interesting stuff in the meantime, and I hope to continue blogging as consistently as Chelsea churning out 1-0 wins against the top teams. Yeah, this is what today’s post is going to be about.

In my world, The term ‘blues’ would be synonymous with that feeling of lethargy which clams your brain and induces a lacklustre sensation which compels you to grit your teeth and question your existence on this planet. My current occupation ensures that I get Monday blues everytime the weekend comes to an agonizing close; I sometimes feel blue when the weather conditions in Bangalore keeps on changing, like baldy Rafa with his weird hand signals in every match; there are also other blues like Prussian blue, the million dollar flop movie ‘Blue’ and many other occurrences of this word. But as you all know, tomorrow is a day where a defeat against the Blues at Emirates would make Monday blues even worse!

To say that this game is very important to the Gunners would be an understatement. Lose this, and Chelsea are 11 points ahead, which necessitates that we need to win nearly every match after this, to contest for the title. Win the game, we are 5 points behind with a game in hand against Bolton; win that too, and we are in a really good position to consolidate our status as title challengers. Our loss to Sunderland couldn’t have come at a worse time, but we oughta move on and pray the young guns conjure some magic.

It would be interesting to see our formation for the match. The Mancs deployed a 4-5-1 strategy which negated Chelsea’s diamond formation, and it took a set piece to set up the victory for the blues. I strongly suspect Wenger would deploy this tactic, with Dudu playing upfront. Nasri – Denilson – Song- Cesc- Arshavin would constitute the midfield, and looks good enough to take on Essien and co. Our defense however, remains the biggest concern. Gallas sustained a swollen eye in the game against Standard Liege, and is a major doubt to face his old club. The left back situation is equally scary,with the first and second choice chaps out for some time as well. In case Gallas doesn’t make it, we have Song, Senderos and Sylvestre as the options. I would naturally go for Song, but he needs to handle Lampard and Essien; which leaves Sendy and Sylvy to battle against Drogba or Anelka. Not even the most morbid dream can beat the thought of these baldies against Drogba :-/ We have Traore and Sylvy for the left spot, and I am certain Le Prof would hand the youngster his chosen spot. I pray Gallas comes back for this one atleast, because he generally does well against his old club.

If you thought that my mention of Lampard in the previous paragraph was a mistake, it certainly isn’t one! I have heard about key players like Lamps and Ballack missing this fixture, and a couple of days away from the matchday, there are reports that these two have recovered and are ‘raring to play’ against us. Has Chelsea’s ‘mind lab’ also used nano-technology or some futuristic shit to cure injuries as well? We will never know, but it does seem that Chelsea could be back to full strength for this key clash.

Well, there’s nothing more that I can speculate on. A win in any fashion will do, and it could be a huge,albeit a much needed,confident booster. Le Prof has already called on his team to deliver the goods, and I hope the guys are pumped up to fulfill his request! Adios for now, and don’t eat too many potatoes; reduce global warming!

Just when I thought there was nothing more to write about, the club’s official site reports that RVP’s ankle injury is far worse, which means we will be without the dutchman for 4-5 months! This means we must have no more injuries if we are to remain in the hunt, else the season’s going to be a really long one.

The Great War against The Interlull

The battle lines were drawn. The red glow in the sky, the odd calmness in the air, the slow and the intriguing quivering of Mother Earth signaled the imminent danger. The one-eyed red monsters that made strange sounds were coming closer and closer. General Arsene made his voice clear to his troops… “Nobody and I mean nobody should laugh at the weird looking monsters”. Commander Alexander Rigobert Goliath Song couldn’t control himself, he laughed like crazy until he choked himself and fell below a monster. The monster mistaking the creature as one of its own ignored him.
The Great Monstrous Army of the Interlull called out for the bravest man from the Great Army of General Arsene. Arsene looked at the formidable soldier in Denilson and was about to give his orders when a crow landed on Arsene’s shoulder and whispered to his ears… “Son, I am GOD. Trust me. You need to send a Dutchman and that being the bravest of ‘em all” … the crow turned into a blue Barracon Didier Barracuda with 8 wings and flew away in the North-western direction over the Swiss Alps. Arsene called out for the brave and young Nacer Barazite. The soldier was having his breakfast of corn-flakes, milk, and strawberries and shyly smiled and frowned at Arsene, all at the same time. Arsene took pity. Out came in the open, the greatest fighter of ‘em all. He was called The Legend of Ardiuex Dominex Robin Van Persie. Arsene gave his orders… “Son, Trust me. Go. Fight.” Robin Van Persie started running to face the one-eyed red monsters of the Great Monstrous Army of the Interlull. He slipped on a piece of jai-jai peel and broke his chocolate leg, but he still kept on running until he reached the Great Army of the Interlull. Before he could take out his unassailable steel rapier, he was slapped on the face by one of the monsters, he fell on the ground, spilled out some dutch blood and choked to death before giving out two very confusing words… “Tropheees Tropheees”. The bemused monsters cried out… “Hunh?? Hunh??” and sat down surrendering ‘emselves to mankind.

Ohh, I meant this. Our front-man will be out for quite some time. With some confirmed news, we shall be back again.

Liverpool are interested in Eduardo and they want him to come over at Anfield for one week and do some interesting Croatian painting. Raiffel Benitez has always been a fan of Croatian painting and he had illegally tried contacting Eduardo many times over the last 21 years. He even tried contacting Luka Modric at the Sp*arse Hospital at North London, but he was insulted by one of his hot nurses and thrown out of the hospital.

There is absolutely nothing else going on as far as Arsenal is concerned. So, if you are sleeping, please carry on doing so. If you are awake, please go to sleep. And if you are watching the Great War with the Great monstrous Army of the Interlull, you should consult a psychiatrist right away.

Have a good day and GOD bless you.

~S~